Tag: stuff about me

I see a lot of stupid bullshit from day to day. Honestly, I do feel bad about not saying anything, about not reblogging it b/c a good deal of it should be called out for being either absolutely disgusting to real people or just… really fucking dumb.

I guess I’m trying to find that line, you know? Where I can speak out about what I think is important but also not overload myself and my followers with negativity but I don’t know where that line is so I wind up saying and doing nothing and feeling sad and complicit. I don’t like those feelings.

I dunno. Where does one draw the line? When folks are just so vile that every week feels like a new low it just gets to the point where it feels pointless to say anything.

Forgive me, it’s 4 am and I am having thoughts.

Sometimes I worry about what to post around here. I miss college a lot. I miss writing essays and ripping apart media, looking for meaning and finding patterns in things. I loved it so much, even if I drove myself a little crazy sometimes. I don’t think I was ever prouder of myself than when I got an A on my King Lear paper, where I discussed the feminization of Lear and fits of emotion as important to our growth as people. I worked my ass off on that paper for months and the prof was a tough grader, so it was a big accomplishment for me. But that’s the kind of thing I did. That’s the kind of thing I loved. Re-examination of a whole text because of one word (in Lear It was “hysteria”, I believe). Call it over thinking if you want, but it was fun for me.

I’ve been struggling of a long time. Mentally, I haven’t been able to wrap my head around undertaking something like that in about two years. It’s just an essay, but my last semester of college gave me daily panic attacks over simple assignments (I dropped everything but one 100 level Music Appreciation course and it was still a nightmare for me.) I miss sinking my teeth in and trying. I miss feeling smart. I miss proving a point.

And I still struggle. I want to write analysis. I want to play again, but I’m so much of a people pleaser that I second guess it all the time. “Your followers don’t want to see it” “Your followers don’t care” “What’s the point anyway” and I just… I need to stop looking for permission is what I need to do. I need to stop giving a shit what people thing. It’s my blog dammit! I can do what I want! And yet I wind myself up so much that I remain frozen and nothing happens.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. It’s 4 am. But my therapist says I need to get used to “sharing my thoughts” b/c I don’t talk to people and I sure as hell am not going to vent on freaking Facebook or Twitter. So like, this is what you get. You get me, Rose, flip flipping and flailing and making no coherent sense.

I’m frustrated. I’m understimulated, intellectually. I keep myself in a box. I hide because I dont want pity (which I often confuse genuine concern for). I worry about what other people think. I dont voice my opinions because I dont want other people to dislike me but logically I know I can’t please everyone.

So I dont know what to post around here. I have thoughts and I think a lot and it never goes anywhere. I ramble. I circle the drain.

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tag yourself

aquiver (quivering, trembling): headphones on full volume, cold winter breeze, nervous glances, desperately trying to live life to the fullest, to-do lists and journals, daydreaming, missed opportunities and wanting to prove onself

mellifluous (sweet, smooth, pleasing to hear sound): dried flowers, morning rays of sunshine, eloquent sentences, waiting for a sign, mythology and fairytales, sucker for aesthetics, Polaroid pictures and old architecture

hiraeth (a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was): neon lights, airports and gas stations at night, either being extremely private or always oversharing, the adrenaline of winning arguments, marble and ice

limerence (the state of being infatuated with another person): long eye contact, staying up until 3 am, wanting to pick a random train and get away, being described as “out of it”, sitting in a car just to finish listening to that song, fatalist humour

syzygy (an alignment of celestial bodies): never being fully satisfied, inferiority superiority complex, overthinking, reading 5 books at once, dark academia, late night conversations, “is this all there is?”

ephemeral (lasting a very short time): chasing the feeling of being alive, laughing and crying at once, wishing to be a mermaid, saying “I don’t care” very caringly, either writing really long answers or just “ok”

vellichor (the strange wistfulness of used bookshops): googling random trivia in the middle of the night, being extremely enthusiastic but never actually finishing the project, poems and pretty words, caring too much, never having enough book marks