another coda for 12.23 i’m sorry i can’t stop myself
Dean’s a fucking mess.
He goes through the motions of being okay, but he’s empty inside. It’s a familiar feeling, one he’s already experienced back when Cas disappeared into that fucking lake, only it’s ten times worse this time. Last time he thought he loved Cas. This time he knows it. He knows he’s in love with his best friend and never did a fucking thing about it.
So yeah, it’s worse.
Alcohol doesn’t work. He knows it’s a bad idea so he doesn’t try it, knows he’ll just drink and drink and not stop this time, so he avoids it altogether. The idea of sex makes him want to cry, so that’s out.
The only coping mechanism he has left is hunting.
He’s not in a place to do research or “big picture” stuff like helping with Jack or trying to get Mary back. Sam points him in a direction and says “kill this werewolf” or “clear out this vamp nest” and Dean does it. It’s brutal and messy and physically exhausting and the best he can get right now. It’s the only way he can sleep these days; his body overworked and aching all over, he falls onto a motel bed and is out before his head hits the pillow.
One of these hunts happens to be a djinn. No big deal, really. He knocks the thing out and is about to kill it when he gets an idea. A really fucking stupid idea, but an idea.
Cas at that little cottage by the lake. Their cottage by the lake. He’s making lunch – ham and cheese sandwiches with a side of potato salad – and humming some Led Zeppelin under his breath. Dean stands in the doorway, breathless. He knows, of course he knows, but Cas is right in front of him, alive, and he’ll take it. Fuck yes he’ll take it-
Dean gasps as he jolts awake, the djinn’s venom wearing off. It’d been such a small amount, it’d barely lasted an hour.
He drains that djinn try, kills it, then hunts down every djinn he can find to get more. Visits occult shops and hunter stores and buys all the djinn venom he can get his hands on. Every night, he injects just enough to last ‘til morning. Every night, he dreams of blue eyes and dark hair and lips he finally gets to kiss…
“I love you,” Dean whispers between kisses. “Holy fuck do I love you.”
“I know, Dean. I love you too.”
“Never got to tell you… Fuck, you died and you never even knew-”
“Shhhh. It’s okay, Dean. I’m here. I know.”
Waking up hurts (god does it hurt, it’s like losing Cas all over again), but it makes the rest of his life almost tolerable. It gives Dean a purpose, a goal that he mets with deadly precision, and the momentary peace of getting to be with Cas again.
“Dean?”
“Cas?” Dean groggily looks around the dark room. Cas’ side of the bed is empty, so he holds open the covers for him. “C’mere.”
Cas hestitates but approaches the bed. “Dean…”
He doesn’t wait to hear more, just pulls Cas into the bed and wraps himself around him. “Shh, baby. Go to sleep.”
“Dean- I- This can’t wait-”
“Yeah it can.” Dean yawns and rests his head on Cas’ chest. The idiot didn’t even take his clothes off. “I’m tired. Good night, babe. Love you.”
“… I love you too, Dean.”
When Dean wakes up and sees two blue eyes staring at him, he freezes. Shit shit shit shit how much venom did he take last night? Should’ve worn off by now. How’s he going to wake up? He hasn’t even told Sam where he is, no one’s going to come for him-
“Just breathe, Dean.”
He stiffens as Cas puts a hand on his shoulder, but then melts into the touch. He can’t fucking help it. “Cas,” he croaks. “I fucked up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I took too much djinn venom and now I can’t wake up. I was so fucking careful-”
“Is that what you think this is? A djinn dream?”
“Well either that or I died and went to Heaven, but I’m not sure those dicks have left a spot open for me.”
“… I’m in your djinn dream?”
“That’s a joke, right? You are my djinn dream. What the fuck is even the point if I can’t see you? This is all that’s left-”
Cas surges forward and kisses him, cradling Dean’s jaw like he’s precious. Dream Cas never does that. With dream Cas it’s the other way around. And this kiss is too sweet, too desperate, too real–
“Cas?” Dean doesn’t dare hope. This is a dream after all, isn’t it?
“Chuck brought me back. I came looking for you as soon as I could. You weren’t at the bunker. Took me a while to pinpoint your… your longing.”
Dean rests his forehead on Cas’ shoulders and squeezes his eyes shut. Tears threaten to spill and if they start, Dean suspects it’d be a while before they stop. “This isn’t the djinn dream, is it? Because I can’t afford to start believing this is real and have it taken away. If that happened…”
Strong arms close around him. “It’s real, Dean. I’m here.”
Despite his best efforts, Dean starts crying. Cas doesn’t mind.
@ my anon.
I saw your message but I’m on mobile so I don’t want to publish without tags. I don’t want anyone to be spoiled if they don’t know yet.
Do you have an article source for that? An interview with one of the actors or producers? I’m not trying to be an ass but I’d rather have hard proof than just fandom hearsay.
And yeah, honestly, Rowena’s death was a load of ass. An after the fact death for the longest recurring female character? Fuck that. Apparently no one knows how to write tense scenes or get pull fear or shock or horror out of their fans w/out bs deaths. It’s not like they could’ve not written a death right? Like the couldn’t’ve left her out totally or maybe done something cool like trap her in a witches glass or turn her into a mouse or strip her of her magic. Those would be way too interesting and require a half second more creativity.
I dunno, my friend. SPN does not have a good track record with keeping non-white non-male characters alive. It’s stupid. This season was a bloodbath. No one is safe on spn but I didn’t expect such gratuity.
I just… I dunno. I’m actually a pessimist by nature. (I kmow I portray a much different persona online but I am usually the first one to declare “all is lost” irl) and the whole thing gives me a sick feeling in my gut. Granted, I don’t see how this finale gives season 13 much traction in terms of story but… I just don’t know.
Edit: Yeah. The thing about having a golden opportunity to bring back Charlie or Eileen…. I would’ve preferred if it was our Charlie or Eileen and not voidworld!Charlie or Eileen. But if you decide to just randomly open a space time riff for no real logical reason that’s cool. Open it to a place where fridged characters are so they can come back. That’d be great.
*ugly sobbing*
You know that’s exactly what I would do, too. It would be a lot like Forget-Me-Not but yeah, Dean and Sam dealing with Cas’s death (poorly at first) until they do something to honor his memory like start an animal sanctuary or something…
Tragic car crash or something.
Cas is just hanging, sitting on the porch swing, admonishing them for taking so long…
I appreciate your optimism, anon. I can definitely see where you’re coming from, but I think it was so shocking for me that I almost don’t know if I can think positively about it. We’ve seen Cas die, but we’ve never seen him spark out like that and it was just so sudden and different that it threw me.
That’s not to say that if anyone wants to think positively they shouldn’t. By all means, if that’s what you feel is gonna happen I can’t take that away from you. I won’t take that from you.
I will say my issue with it has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have the faith in the spn writers that I used to. I was very optimistic about the season when it started. I was excited to see which routes they were going to take with the characters and I was left unsatisfied. I was expecting more about the family dynamic and interpersonal conflicts, considering the statement about “smaller stories”.
I’ve been going back and forth on this since it happened. On one hand, anything is possible (death is meaningless on spn) and we could see him again next season. Cas is a very popular character and he’s deeply loved by many people. On the other, I’ve been burned so many times and this season was just so full of death that I’m a little numb and disheartened. And I personally feel that pulling this kind of heartache out of your audience isn’t a thing a showrunner should want. There are a thousand things worse and more interesting than death so it just feels cheap.
I’ll remain agnostic for now, but it still feels like a brick to the face.
I’ll be honest, it kinda feels like the cherry on top of the shit sundae. I’ll be better with time, it’s just… not what I was expecting at all. I’ve had a rough… three years or so? I don’t even remember at this point. It’s a long ass story and fiction (particularly spn) has been something I could consistently look forward to.
It feels like losing a friend. Losing a lot of friends, really. I knew at least one of the characters was doomed and I had a feeling another would bite it too, but like… all of them? All of the recurring cast (save for Jody, Donna, and the girls) bites it or gets trapped? That’s what we get? It feels so bad, especially considering the way the season began.
@wanderingcas and I were talking and she thinks the reason Cas’s death, in particular, is so hard to swallow is because we’ve spent so much time in his head. I’ve written probably 50k through his eyes in the past year. I know him. He’s a part of me in some ways, because all writers put parts of their soul into their writing and I definitely put myself into him.
It sucks, you know?
I’ll just let myself feel it I suppose. I need to work on actually letting myself process anger and pain so I guess this is as good an opportunity as any.
I agree with you, the deaths stung even for me – I can’t even imagine if it had been a character I was deeply devoted to. I love Cas and Crowley, and Rowena was growing on me too, but I know some of my friends are as devoted to and invested in them as I am to Sam and Dean and was to Mick (and Ketch before they bastardized him).
I was discussing it with a friend in PM and we realized what made us so mad was the lack of care they gave them. Three characters that really were all fan favorites – I know some folks disliked Cas or Crowley or Rowena, but just as many liked and loved them. And they were all given 5 second deaths before the episode moved on. We weren’t allowed time to grieve. Sure, we have the hiatus, but that’s an after the fact grief. It didn’t do any of them justice.
You’re a good writer. And part of being a good writer is investment in your characters, so I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not being babyish or pathetic at all to want better than he (or they) got.
Processing emotions – especially powerful ones like anger and pain – it’s not easy. But it can be done. Sometimes we just need a little help and support along the way. *hugs*
(And for the topic of the fic – I know i love your stuff. I, for one, am eager to read it no matter what it is – as I know many of your friends are. You bust your ass writing for free, and you’re amazing for that.)
In regards to the point about not having time to grieve, I completely agree. The past four eps of the season have given us so much death and it was just a hell of a lot to digest. The dropped to the ground and then we moved on. Whenever anyone tells me everyone dies on spn and I should just get over it I always point to the early season deaths. Dean and Sam grieved John for half a season basically. Bobby got an entire episode to die. Jo and Ellen died as heroes. Hell, even Charlie (which was a dumb death) was given a hunter’s funeral. Crowely’s death is one I can deal with because he got to give a speach before he died. He went out like he lived and in the end, no one bested him but him. That was fitting. Rowean was a burn corpse. I was screaming “GET AWAY FROM THE RIFT” a second before Cas died. It wasn’t dignified. Cas was a hero, and he deserved to go out like one. (Of course, I know I’m biased. I love Cas. But I still think if even Crowley, who’s constantly switching sides, got a speech, Cas should’ve, too.) The deaths this season have been shock foder and it’s disheartening and enraging.
I knew Ketch was going to die, I was fine with that even if I preferred something else. (side note: they didn’t solve anything this season. Sure, they killed the invading BMoL but the organization still exists and can easily try again. They made a good dent in the hunter population and they still have all that info. That’s why they needed a turncoat.)I suspected Crowely’s time was up but everyone else was a shock.
It’s hard to handle when all my favorites (save Sam and Dean, ofc, ) are dead now. It stings something awful. I gotta deal with that, though. The emotions are there and I guess I just gotta figure out what to do with them. It almost makes me want to step away from the bangs I signed up for and work on a much darker fic for a while. I’ll have to think about it. But thank you (and everyone else) for offering your support. It means the world to me.
Thank you, for the compliments about my writing, btw. It’s cliche to say it’s a labor of love but it’s true. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love the characters and I suppose even if they’re gone now I shouldn’t allow anyone to take that from me. Canon be damned.
I’ll be honest, it kinda feels like the cherry on top of the shit sundae. I’ll be better with time, it’s just… not what I was expecting at all. I’ve had a rough… three years or so? I don’t even remember at this point. It’s a long ass story and fiction (particularly spn) has been something I could consistently look forward to.
It feels like losing a friend. Losing a lot of friends, really. I knew at least one of the characters was doomed and I had a feeling another would bite it too, but like… all of them? All of the recurring cast (save for Jody, Donna, and the girls) bites it or gets trapped? That’s what we get? It feels so bad, especially considering the way the season began.
@wanderingcas and I were talking and she thinks the reason Cas’s death, in particular, is so hard to swallow is because we’ve spent so much time in his head. I’ve written probably 50k through his eyes in the past year. I know him. He’s a part of me in some ways, because all writers put parts of their soul into their writing and I definitely put myself into him.
It sucks, you know?
I’ll just let myself feel it I suppose. I need to work on actually letting myself process anger and pain so I guess this is as good an opportunity as any.
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