Dramatic Clothing

So many ships omg. lol

Abaddean is totes evul because….

Abaddon is literally a Knight of Hell and Dean’s just a human so she has more power and therefore power imbalance.
She touches and creeps on Dean without his consent!
Abaddon is in the body of the woman who had a crush on Dean’s grandfather so that’s… creepy and weird.
Also everyone knows if you’re possessing a body and the host has long since departed and someone else is now occupying it, it’s necrophilia.
He killed her??? Canonical murder means the ship is wrong and gross and their relationship is always bad.
Age gap again. Huge evil age gap!

Eeeevul rating: All kinds of nasty ideas/10

Dreamhunter is totes evul because….

Claire is white and Kaia is Native American and therefore Claire has power and privilege over Kaia. (I’m not fucking kidding, I’ve seen variations of this argument for other ships.)
Claire is a horrible evul stalker because she just showed up when Kaia was in the hospital and tried to user her connections to get information about her.
Kaia is implied to have used drugs and that’s not good or cool and won’t be good for their relationship.
Claire has anger issues so she could be a very bad person for Kaia to date.

Eeeevul rating: Squiggly rift in the universe/10

Samwitch is totes evul because….

Rowena tried to kill him and his brother at least a couple times.
Also Sam is supposed to murder her so like… why would you ship a woman with the man who’s supposed to murder her???? Hmmmmm
Age gap.
Rowena’s an incredibly powerful witch so she could turn Sam into a bug and step on him. They can never be equals ever.
She calls him Samuel and that’s the name of his evil grandfather so she’s by extension calling him evil and that’s not okay.
Height difference.
Sam wouldn’t let her leave a room one time by physically restraining her. Also, that’s not taking into account all the times she was a prisoner in the bunker.

Eeeevul rating: Teacup/10

peanutbutter and jelly is totes evul because….

It’s blatant jelly/toast erasure.
Some people?? Are allergic??? To peanuts???
Bread literally holds this relationship together. Do you really want to food items together that need the support of a third? I don’t think so.

Eeeevul rating: Disappointed Kindergartner/10

Hando is totes evul because….

Lando told Han he hated him. In canon. Lando hates Han how dare you ship them!
Lando cheats at saabak. That’s not good boyfriend material.
Han’s a former imperial who became a smuggler. He’s a criminal who makes poor career choices.
Han has no respect for Lando’s cape closet and therefore the rest of Lando’s space. Look at what he did to the Falcon? Han is a slob with no respect for anyone but himself. He’d put all the chores on Lando and that’s unequal division of domestic labor and that’s bad.
Lando betrayed Han! He betrayed him! Betrayal is serious! No amount of turning it around, saving Luke and Leia, then fighting for the good guys can really make up for that, can it? The answer is no.
The three year age gap is barely acceptable.

Eeeevul rating: I hate you. I know/10

Luke/Dramatic Clothing is totes evul because….

Capitalism
It’s literally, canonically, a relationship where Luke *uses* his clothing. That’s abusive and Luke is scum.
Swooshing is inherently evil. Only villains swoosh.
He blatantly stole it from Obi-Wan.

Eeeevul rating: Gucci Boots/10

Send me a ship and I’ll be facetious about why it’s totes evul!

Oh oh why is Stucky evil I wanna knooooow

Forgive me, it’s been a long time since I watched the Cap movies. Also some of these sentences made me gag.

Stucky is Totes Evul because….

Bucky tried to kill Steve and Steve’s friends and, brainwashing aside, he shouldn’t do that. Also being a bad guy against your will doesn’t excuse the fact that you were a bad guy and should pay for it. ~~(Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.)~~
Power imbalance because Bucky is disabled and Steve is a super human with all his limbs and we all know able-bodied partners have more power in a relationship than disabled partners.
Codependency, I guess.
They’re brothers-in-arms and therefore like family so shipping them is incest, apparently.
They’re like hero/sidekick so that’s like boss/employee which is terrible and gross.
Bucky was Steve’s friend/idol when they were kids and teen!Steve looked up to him so therefore their relationship has to be gross because no one ever looks up to their partners (especially when they’re young and experiencing crushes and stuff for the first time).

Eeeevul rating: 1942/10

Send me a ship and I’ll be facetious as hell about why it’s totes evul!

Sastiel and Finnpoe

Sastiel is Totes Evul because…..

Height difference again! Vile!
Cas is literally older than dirt so Sam is basically a baby to him ewwww
Cas is an angel so he’s got way more power than Sam does and therefore he could do anything he wants to Sam so power imbalance.
Cas literally broke Sam’s brain one time.
Where was Sam when Cas was dying because his grace was fading? Looking for his demon brother? Well that just shows he cares more about the safety of others than his friend so that’s not good for a relationship.
Sam once *hugged* Cas without getting verbal consent. Bad.

Eeeevul rating: 🐊/10

Finnpoe is Totes Evul because….

Poe just decided to name Finn without asking??? Rude??? Also it means Poe obviously doesn’t respect Finn’s autonomy and personal choice.
Poe was just all “keep my jacket” like a boyfriend you’ve been seeing for a while thus assuming a lot about their relationship.
Also Poe killed Finn’s friend on Jakku so… yikes.
Finn was all “where’s Rey? Where am I? Are we okay?” And didn’t even bother thanking Poe for anything he’s done so like… super ungrateful.
Poe is technically Finn’s boss now so that’s a power imbalance.

Eeeevul rating: 🚀/10

Send me a ship and I’ll be super facetious about why it’s totes evul!

Wincest and Reylo 😈

You get me. You really get me.

Wincest is Totes Evul because….

There’s a height difference and everyone knows that height differences are bad because… reasons.
Age gap! Like four whole years worth of an age gap! Age gaps are inherently problematic!
They’ve both died a whole shit load of times and everyone knows that when a person dies and their spirit leaves their body it’s necrophilia.
Power imbalance! Dean was Sam’s caretaker for a time growing up so that means, despite the fact Sam’s a grown ass man who moved away, has mad his own choices, and literally held the devil at bay, Dean will always have power over him.
They yell at each other a lot when they fight 😦 and good relationships never involve yelling ever.
They’ve punched each other a lot and possession isn’t a valid excuse for beating up on people. They should’ve tried harder to not be possessed.

Eeeevul rating: 10/10

Reylo is Totes Evul because….

Another height difference! So bad! He’s too tall. He would crush her!
Ten year age gaps are even worse than four year age gaps! She was a toddler when he was a teenager. Is that the foundation of a good relationship? I think not!
Rey shot first. She tried to kill him 😦 And then later she slashed his face open and that’s totally abusive guys. Fighting in a life or death situation aside, that’s bad. Rey wouldn’t make a good girlfriend.
He’s a super mega evil Machiavellian evil guy and she’s a precious uwu cinnamon roll so it would never work out.
Rey’s always yelling at Kylo and calling him names. Good relationship don’t ever involve yelling for any reason.
He’s king of the galaxy and she’s a former scavenger so their class difference means they’ve got a power imbalance. Everyone knows rich guy/poor girl romances are NOT A THING.

Eeevul rating: 87/10

Send me a ship and I’ll be facetious as shit about why it’s totes evul!