Some thoughts about gender and dysphoria and sex (the kind with hormones, not the naked kind) and all that shit. Also, the reason I’ve been not in a great place the past few weeks.

Probably tmi but I talk about my breasts and I talk about genitalia a bit. Like I said, it’s dysphoria.

So, a while back I decided I wanted to write a fic with a genderfluid character. I figured the best way to do that was to talk to genderfluid people to figure out what kind of experiences a person might have if they identify as genderfluid. As I did that, I started to realize that I kinda relate. And I kinda feel bad about thinking that. 

So, like, when I was hitting puberty I didn’t really think of myself as anything other than a girl. The issue was that my body didn’t develop the way I thought it should. I had a very feminine body from age 15 on, with large hips, a smaller waist, and large breasts. Well, the breasts thing was kinda arguable. I wound up developing drastically different breast sizes, with one at a D cup and the other at a B cup. I’ve been assured by multiple doctors that it’s totally normal, but that really doesn’t help the fact that I dislike it. I can get a reduction and get that covered by insurance, but I don’t know if I want that I also don’t know if I want to save money to get an implant. Most days I just stuff my bra and move on with it. But then there are other days where I hate having them all together. (More on that later.) I developed facial hair and dark hair all over my body, which I’ve shaved since I was 15. Eventually, I did end up going to a doctor (for other stuff) and had my hormone levels tested. Estrogen levels were normal but testosterone and androgen were a bit high. I was sent to more doctors and eventually diagnosed with PCOS and put on birth control and metformin. That was a mess. I can’t do birth control pills. I can stand them for up to six months and then I get sick with migraines and mood swings and that kind of shit (I’ve tried about 7 different types at this point) and I’m allergic to metformin. I kinda gave up on birth control for a while b/c I’m just sick of feeling sick and I’m not having sex with anyone right now so it’s not a huge deal to me. I can worry about it later.

Now, I realize that these things have more to do with sex than they do gender, but I feel like they kind of inform my background. When I was around 14 I started to have these dreams. I would dream about either being a man or being my female self but with a penis. It was never strange in these dreams and it wasn’t so weird until I woke up. I’d have this phantom sensation of like, actually having a dick. And I would always be profoundly disappointed because I didn’t actually have a penis. It would pretty much ruin my whole day and make me super uncomfortable. So, when I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that my hormones were wrong I kinda thought that I could fix the strange (albeit occasional) feelings of wanting to have a penis and hating my breasts and wanting to crawl out of my own skin when someone called me “ma’am” or “miss”. Thing is, even when I was on birth control and I wasn’t getting sick, I’d still have these feelings. If I was “fixing” myself then obviously this was just an anomalous, normal thing and everyone felt it. I could just learn to deal with it. Like, I never thought about it too much, I just felt things and sometimes those were “I’m a beautiful woman” and other times it was “I wish for one day I could be a guy.” 

And then I started to talk to people and learn what gender dysphoria was. I related to the feelings genderfluid people were describing. It was terrifying and also kind of reassuring. 

But I also feel super guilty. See, these feelings happen but they’re not really common. (Like, this might happen for a week or two every other month.) I have no control over when they happen and for the most part I’m happy with presenting and ID-ing as a woman. So, I kinda feel terrible about thinking about identifying as genderfluid. For the most part, I feel like a woman but there are days I hate the body I’m in and I just want to be referred to as “sir” and “mr”. I just feel bad about invading the spaces that belong to nb and trans people. I feel like shit for wanting a binder. I just… I feel stuck. I just don’t know what to feel. ‘Cause like, if I’m happy most of the time who cares? Why do I need to bother with it if it’s not as common or as bad as it is for other people? Obviously, I don’t care if other people identify as whatever they feel best fits them and I would never tell them that they can’t identify as what they want to. I don’t live in their bodies so I can’t say what they do or don’t feel. And I will support them in that (like, I don’t care but I do care if get me). But I guess I just, I dunno what I am and I don’t want to harm people by Id-ing as genderfluid when I’m 85% girl and 15% guy.  

Last week it hit me pretty hard. I’ve been in a bad space b/c I just don’t know what I want to do about it. I’ve been so uncomfortable in my own skin and disappointed with what I am and am not and I just kinda hate it and everything else. But again, there’s all this guilt about maybe wanting to be called by different pronouns and presenting in a more masculine way ’cause like, I don’t feel fluid enough. I don’t feel like I should even bother ’cause I feel like an interloper. But at the same time, it does make me feel better. Idk. It’s confusing as hell and I’m circling the drain again. 

Like, basically, I don’t fucking know if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I know what I feel but I don’t want to make anyone else feel like shit. It’s distressing, to say the least. And, it’s where I’m at currently, so that’s all I got. I don’t have the words to discuss it in detail, just a fuck load of angst.