Tag: dysphoria mention

Being genderqueer is kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. Perhaps it’s just me but often I feel almost half-formed when it comes to my identity. It’s like being in between man and woman (at least for me) with honestly strong desires to be both makes me feel like I can’t ever be either. I’m too feminine to be a man and too enamored with the idea of having a dick to me a woman. I wish I could change so much about my body but I’m not willing to sacrifice the things I like (my face shape, my eye shape, my hips) for it. I’m in limbo between man and woman and that wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that that’s treated like it’s invalid. It wouldn’t be so bad to be neither “man” nor “woman” if I could be neither and both without feeling like my voice doesn’t matter.

Tumblr and therapy are really the only places I can talk about it. They’re the only places I’m comfortable enough to talk about it. But tumblr has been driving me nuts recently. Women and NB folks are often lumped together in discussion as if we’re the same thing. Or, what’s worse, women and AFAB people are lumped together. I get the reasons, especially when we’re talking about the way we raise people we think are girls, about health care that’s specifically tied to uteri, about the way we treat people we perceive as women, but a lot of time it makes me feel like I’m basically Woman Lite. Like, it’s just assumed that because of the way I was born I can always be lumped in with the girls even if the struggles I face aren’t the same as other girls. My attraction to men is different. My attraction to women is different. My relationship to sex, sexual desire, and my own body is different. And I don’t want to be the soft, cutesy picture of what a genderqueer person is supposed to be. I don’t want soft and fluffy love and pastel colors and sunshine and unicorn puke. I don’t want to be seen as a fluffy little bunny or Woman Lite or “not even a real thing”. I want to be acknowledged as my own thing. I want to talk about how I worry men aren’t going to want me because I would rather rail them into the mattress than the other way around. I want to talk about how to express masculinity in a positive way through nurturing and protection and leadership instead of watching sports and changing tires. I want to talk about the fact that make-up, for me, makes me feel feminine and free. rather than a chain I have to lug around. 

I guess I just… I’m getting frustrated. I want to talk about my gender and I want to talk about it as it’s own thing. Yes, there are times to talk about AFAB people as a whole but I don’t want to see myself tacked on with woman like an after-thought. I don’t want to talk “alignment” to masculinity and femininity as if that is supposed to tell everyone what I “really” am. And I really want people to stop asking what I was assigned at birth because that doesn’t matter. I want advice that goes beyond pronouns and identification. I want advice that goes beyond me being valid. I know I’m valid; I just want everyone else to understand it, too. 

Hey there. I know it’s probably not a good time to ask, but when I think about you, I don’t know if to use she or he. I try to switch between them but my grammar obsessed side of the brain starts getting angry… What to choose?

Oh, no worries. It’s all good. 

For the most part, she is usually fine. If switching back and forth is difficult, I totally understand that. It’s definitely a little different. And, if you’re switching back and forth between sentences or in sentences (like if you were to say “She writes fanfic. His pirate Au is a lot of fun to read.”) does get a little confusing. If you want to pick just one and stick to it, that’s fine with me. I’m still trying to get used to it myself, and I do sometimes feel dysphoric referring to myself as “he” when I’m feeling particularly feminine. It’s a learning curve, and I’m getting used to it, too. 

 But I appreciate the fact that you asked. And never worry about asking me questions like this. I don’t mind them at all. 

Some thoughts about gender and dysphoria and sex (the kind with hormones, not the naked kind) and all that shit. Also, the reason I’ve been not in a great place the past few weeks.

Probably tmi but I talk about my breasts and I talk about genitalia a bit. Like I said, it’s dysphoria.

So, a while back I decided I wanted to write a fic with a genderfluid character. I figured the best way to do that was to talk to genderfluid people to figure out what kind of experiences a person might have if they identify as genderfluid. As I did that, I started to realize that I kinda relate. And I kinda feel bad about thinking that. 

So, like, when I was hitting puberty I didn’t really think of myself as anything other than a girl. The issue was that my body didn’t develop the way I thought it should. I had a very feminine body from age 15 on, with large hips, a smaller waist, and large breasts. Well, the breasts thing was kinda arguable. I wound up developing drastically different breast sizes, with one at a D cup and the other at a B cup. I’ve been assured by multiple doctors that it’s totally normal, but that really doesn’t help the fact that I dislike it. I can get a reduction and get that covered by insurance, but I don’t know if I want that I also don’t know if I want to save money to get an implant. Most days I just stuff my bra and move on with it. But then there are other days where I hate having them all together. (More on that later.) I developed facial hair and dark hair all over my body, which I’ve shaved since I was 15. Eventually, I did end up going to a doctor (for other stuff) and had my hormone levels tested. Estrogen levels were normal but testosterone and androgen were a bit high. I was sent to more doctors and eventually diagnosed with PCOS and put on birth control and metformin. That was a mess. I can’t do birth control pills. I can stand them for up to six months and then I get sick with migraines and mood swings and that kind of shit (I’ve tried about 7 different types at this point) and I’m allergic to metformin. I kinda gave up on birth control for a while b/c I’m just sick of feeling sick and I’m not having sex with anyone right now so it’s not a huge deal to me. I can worry about it later.

Now, I realize that these things have more to do with sex than they do gender, but I feel like they kind of inform my background. When I was around 14 I started to have these dreams. I would dream about either being a man or being my female self but with a penis. It was never strange in these dreams and it wasn’t so weird until I woke up. I’d have this phantom sensation of like, actually having a dick. And I would always be profoundly disappointed because I didn’t actually have a penis. It would pretty much ruin my whole day and make me super uncomfortable. So, when I was diagnosed with PCOS and told that my hormones were wrong I kinda thought that I could fix the strange (albeit occasional) feelings of wanting to have a penis and hating my breasts and wanting to crawl out of my own skin when someone called me “ma’am” or “miss”. Thing is, even when I was on birth control and I wasn’t getting sick, I’d still have these feelings. If I was “fixing” myself then obviously this was just an anomalous, normal thing and everyone felt it. I could just learn to deal with it. Like, I never thought about it too much, I just felt things and sometimes those were “I’m a beautiful woman” and other times it was “I wish for one day I could be a guy.” 

And then I started to talk to people and learn what gender dysphoria was. I related to the feelings genderfluid people were describing. It was terrifying and also kind of reassuring. 

But I also feel super guilty. See, these feelings happen but they’re not really common. (Like, this might happen for a week or two every other month.) I have no control over when they happen and for the most part I’m happy with presenting and ID-ing as a woman. So, I kinda feel terrible about thinking about identifying as genderfluid. For the most part, I feel like a woman but there are days I hate the body I’m in and I just want to be referred to as “sir” and “mr”. I just feel bad about invading the spaces that belong to nb and trans people. I feel like shit for wanting a binder. I just… I feel stuck. I just don’t know what to feel. ‘Cause like, if I’m happy most of the time who cares? Why do I need to bother with it if it’s not as common or as bad as it is for other people? Obviously, I don’t care if other people identify as whatever they feel best fits them and I would never tell them that they can’t identify as what they want to. I don’t live in their bodies so I can’t say what they do or don’t feel. And I will support them in that (like, I don’t care but I do care if get me). But I guess I just, I dunno what I am and I don’t want to harm people by Id-ing as genderfluid when I’m 85% girl and 15% guy.  

Last week it hit me pretty hard. I’ve been in a bad space b/c I just don’t know what I want to do about it. I’ve been so uncomfortable in my own skin and disappointed with what I am and am not and I just kinda hate it and everything else. But again, there’s all this guilt about maybe wanting to be called by different pronouns and presenting in a more masculine way ’cause like, I don’t feel fluid enough. I don’t feel like I should even bother ’cause I feel like an interloper. But at the same time, it does make me feel better. Idk. It’s confusing as hell and I’m circling the drain again. 

Like, basically, I don’t fucking know if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I know what I feel but I don’t want to make anyone else feel like shit. It’s distressing, to say the least. And, it’s where I’m at currently, so that’s all I got. I don’t have the words to discuss it in detail, just a fuck load of angst.