Forgive me, it’s 4 am and I am having thoughts.

Sometimes I worry about what to post around here. I miss college a lot. I miss writing essays and ripping apart media, looking for meaning and finding patterns in things. I loved it so much, even if I drove myself a little crazy sometimes. I don’t think I was ever prouder of myself than when I got an A on my King Lear paper, where I discussed the feminization of Lear and fits of emotion as important to our growth as people. I worked my ass off on that paper for months and the prof was a tough grader, so it was a big accomplishment for me. But that’s the kind of thing I did. That’s the kind of thing I loved. Re-examination of a whole text because of one word (in Lear It was “hysteria”, I believe). Call it over thinking if you want, but it was fun for me.

I’ve been struggling of a long time. Mentally, I haven’t been able to wrap my head around undertaking something like that in about two years. It’s just an essay, but my last semester of college gave me daily panic attacks over simple assignments (I dropped everything but one 100 level Music Appreciation course and it was still a nightmare for me.) I miss sinking my teeth in and trying. I miss feeling smart. I miss proving a point.

And I still struggle. I want to write analysis. I want to play again, but I’m so much of a people pleaser that I second guess it all the time. “Your followers don’t want to see it” “Your followers don’t care” “What’s the point anyway” and I just… I need to stop looking for permission is what I need to do. I need to stop giving a shit what people thing. It’s my blog dammit! I can do what I want! And yet I wind myself up so much that I remain frozen and nothing happens.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. It’s 4 am. But my therapist says I need to get used to “sharing my thoughts” b/c I don’t talk to people and I sure as hell am not going to vent on freaking Facebook or Twitter. So like, this is what you get. You get me, Rose, flip flipping and flailing and making no coherent sense.

I’m frustrated. I’m understimulated, intellectually. I keep myself in a box. I hide because I dont want pity (which I often confuse genuine concern for). I worry about what other people think. I dont voice my opinions because I dont want other people to dislike me but logically I know I can’t please everyone.

So I dont know what to post around here. I have thoughts and I think a lot and it never goes anywhere. I ramble. I circle the drain.

(Another few asks coming your way, we should riot) Thank you for giving me the link to your ao3, I saw that you have something written for Meg and Abaddon and I’m trying not to scream. Wow, I’m so excited to read it. I honestly love Meg so much, she honestly could step on me. (Ah, sorry some times I can get a bit carried away.) – R (1)

Anyways, I’m so excited for your Sastiel fic, I know I’m going to absolutely love it! I know I say it a lot but, wow, your writing is just A+. Also their dynamic just honestly ruins me and I wish they would have more screen time. Okay but on a serious note, I’m honestly just so happy for you though. I’m so glad you’re getting back into writing, it seems like it really makes you happy, and I’m just so proud of you. – R (2)

Fruit by the foot is very sweet, but I have a bit of a sweet tooth some times, lol. I can understand why driving could stress you out it is very stressful some times, especially when you are stuck in traffic and suddenly you need to get three lanes over, (Ah freeways, my dear friend.) but I just like the freedom of it and it helps clear my head, especially night drives, when there are just so few people on the road. – R (3)

But, hmm, enough of my rambling, (I’ve already turned this into fours asks, omg I’m sorry) on to my music taste, it ranges quite dramatically. Though I tend to favor hip hop and rap, it all really just depends on my mood. I could also just listen to piano pieces on Spotify as well, lol, or get down with some pop music. I used to be a huge fan of Kpop, but now i only keep up with BTS. Another question, when did you start writing? – R (4)

Hey, friend, never worry about getting carried away. It’s fandom, it’s kind of what we do here lol. God, I love Meg. Like, so much you don’t even know. She was one of my favorite female characters on the show. I still try to include her in things when I can. And I definitely agree with you about Sam and Cas. They’re so supportive of each other and they really care and I just… I want more Sam and Cas nerd action. Like just the two of them reading ancient texts or writing their own references about the supernatural. I love it. 

Night driving can be fun. When I was a kid we used to visit family a lot and we used to have to drive through long stretches of highway in the middle of the night. It was cool but also really spooky. It felt like you could have been out there for hours or days or weeks for all you know because it all looks the exact same. I always loved it because it was a little creepy. In a way I almost think driving through nowhere is less scary than driving through the city at night. 

I don’t know much about Kpop but I have heard of BTS. A few of the folks I follow blog about them and they seem to have a lot of fun doing it. I love piano music, though. Have you ever played the piano or any other instrument? 

As to your question, I’ve pretty much always been writing. Before I could actually spell I used to draw “comics” and staple them together so I’ve pretty much always done it. When I was still in college my major was English with a concentration in Creative Writing, so that’s when I really got serious about doing it at a professional level but I’ve pretty much always done it. I’ve been writing fanfic since 2016.

@samanddeaninpanties replied to your post:
@samanddeaninpanties replied to your post:
…

I have read fics with notps before. More than once. Interesting summaries can totally make me say “today Satan.” So I get that. Damn all these talented writers making it hard to say no 😉

Hahahahaha! I know! Aren’t these talented writers just the worst? Getting me to read things I wouldn’t usually read. *shakes fist at sky*
If my history is anything to go by I’ll wind up reading it one of these days. If nothing else the curiosity will get to me and I’ll have to at the very least peek.

I hate trying to re-find fanart I saw on my dash but didn’t like for whatever reason. Now I gotta scroll through miles of blue… again… and probably forget what I was looking for after like 12 minutes. 

crazychickmia:

rosemoonweaver:

@omgbubblesomg replied to your post “@omgbubblesomg replied to your post:
…”

Yes and u never have to tell anyone. Every single aussie will just flat out agree with whatever the last aussie said. “Yes you have to speak with an aussie accent or the drop bears will get you. Also dont forget to put vegemite behind your ears.”

Omg. Now that’s so solidarity I can get behind. 

Abso-fucking-lutely!

I was working at a horse stables. There were 2 other Aussies, a Canadian and a city Kiwi (as opposed to a rural one who might have caught onto our bullshit).

The Canadian and Kiwi were enjoying the sunny weather outside when one of them said ‘omg did you see the size of that fly’. I said, with fear in my voice, ‘it wasn’t a march fly was it?’

Of course they ask what is that, and without missing a beat the other Aussie’s back me up. March flies are big, and they do hurt when they bite -they can draw blood- but listening to us talk you’d imagine it was life or death.

They stopped sunbathing and came inside 😂

To be fair, we’d already had some spider issues (including a red back in the shower) and snake trauma (no actual snake, but it’s a long story haha).

You Australians are the definition of Chaotic Neutral and it concerns me. Lol.

omgbubblesomg:

elizabethrobertajones:

wigglebox:

okay…. okay i’m putting my guesses on who dean’s gonna be on the table right now, in order of possibility:

OG Death (references from billy how dean’s messing with shit he shouldn’t; in this AU world the 4 horsemen are probably having some fun)

OG Michael (rowena might break him free to use his grace to keep the portal open)

AU Michael (’bitch i’m your true vessel)

Annnnd I can’t think of any more

Remember last year when we were betting on who was very very obviously Bobby and who he might be? And I was like, that’s Garth with padding? 

I’m throwing in a vote that Dean’s gonna be possessed by the true spirit of Mr Fizzles this year.

Casting my vote for

1. AU Azazel

2. AU Michael

3. AU Mr. Fizzles

I’m with bubbles on this one (esp Mr Fizzles) but I’d also like to throw in, for your consideration, The True Spirit of Christmas.