My New Years Resolution this year was to do the things I want without shame and/or guilt. I know it seems like a simple little thing that most people can accomplish, but it’s probably one of the hardest fucking things I’ve ever attempted. 

Saying “no” and “I want to” are equally different. I talk a big game, but I’m a people pleaser when it comes down to it and I have and will do things I *really* don’t want to if I think it will hurt someone else’s feelings. I am closely guarded when it comes to how I act and what I say b/c I *hate* conflict and dissent. 

This year I’m trying to allow myself to do what I want and to not do what I don’t want. And that’s super hard and it sucks because the first time I really had to test that I failed. My step-grandma gave me scrap booking things for Christmas (used, might I add) and she wanted to spend the day doing that with me tomorrow. I didn’t want to. I don’t like her. She’s cruel and tackless and picks at every one of my insecurities and she’s made me cry nearly every time we interact. But I said I would. Because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I ended up making an excuse about not being able to go to get out of it and I feel horrible. I didn’t want to spend hours with her, looking at pictures of me as a kid, when I was happy and had ideas about where my life was going, and pretend that seeing that younger version of myself doesn’t break my heart. I didn’t want to listen to her make comments about my life or how I *need* to go back to school so she can see her grankid graduate. But I still feel like hell for not doing what I said I was going to do. 

I guess I didn’t realize how bad I’d gotten.