You aren’t being a baby or overdramatic at all. Emotions and feelings are real and they sometimes hurt, no matter what caused the hurt – fiction or reality, the emotion is still the same. You have a right to feel what you need to feel. *hugs* I’m sorry you’re hurting though, regardless, and I do hope you feel better soon.
I’ll be honest, it kinda feels like the cherry on top of the shit sundae. I’ll be better with time, it’s just… not what I was expecting at all. I’ve had a rough… three years or so? I don’t even remember at this point. It’s a long ass story and fiction (particularly spn) has been something I could consistently look forward to.
It feels like losing a friend. Losing a lot of friends, really. I knew at least one of the characters was doomed and I had a feeling another would bite it too, but like… all of them? All of the recurring cast (save for Jody, Donna, and the girls) bites it or gets trapped? That’s what we get? It feels so bad, especially considering the way the season began.
@wanderingcas and I were talking and she thinks the reason Cas’s death, in particular, is so hard to swallow is because we’ve spent so much time in his head. I’ve written probably 50k through his eyes in the past year. I know him. He’s a part of me in some ways, because all writers put parts of their soul into their writing and I definitely put myself into him.
It sucks, you know?
I’ll just let myself feel it I suppose. I need to work on actually letting myself process anger and pain so I guess this is as good an opportunity as any.
I agree with you, the deaths stung even for me – I can’t even imagine if it had been a character I was deeply devoted to. I love Cas and Crowley, and Rowena was growing on me too, but I know some of my friends are as devoted to and invested in them as I am to Sam and Dean and was to Mick (and Ketch before they bastardized him).
I was discussing it with a friend in PM and we realized what made us so mad was the lack of care they gave them. Three characters that really were all fan favorites – I know some folks disliked Cas or Crowley or Rowena, but just as many liked and loved them. And they were all given 5 second deaths before the episode moved on. We weren’t allowed time to grieve. Sure, we have the hiatus, but that’s an after the fact grief. It didn’t do any of them justice.
You’re a good writer. And part of being a good writer is investment in your characters, so I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not being babyish or pathetic at all to want better than he (or they) got.
Processing emotions – especially powerful ones like anger and pain – it’s not easy. But it can be done. Sometimes we just need a little help and support along the way. *hugs*
(And for the topic of the fic – I know i love your stuff. I, for one, am eager to read it no matter what it is – as I know many of your friends are. You bust your ass writing for free, and you’re amazing for that.)
In regards to the point about not having time to grieve, I completely agree. The past four eps of the season have given us so much death and it was just a hell of a lot to digest. The dropped to the ground and then we moved on. Whenever anyone tells me everyone dies on spn and I should just get over it I always point to the early season deaths. Dean and Sam grieved John for half a season basically. Bobby got an entire episode to die. Jo and Ellen died as heroes. Hell, even Charlie (which was a dumb death) was given a hunter’s funeral. Crowely’s death is one I can deal with because he got to give a speach before he died. He went out like he lived and in the end, no one bested him but him. That was fitting. Rowean was a burn corpse. I was screaming “GET AWAY FROM THE RIFT” a second before Cas died. It wasn’t dignified. Cas was a hero, and he deserved to go out like one. (Of course, I know I’m biased. I love Cas. But I still think if even Crowley, who’s constantly switching sides, got a speech, Cas should’ve, too.) The deaths this season have been shock foder and it’s disheartening and enraging.
I knew Ketch was going to die, I was fine with that even if I preferred something else. (side note: they didn’t solve anything this season. Sure, they killed the invading BMoL but the organization still exists and can easily try again. They made a good dent in the hunter population and they still have all that info. That’s why they needed a turncoat.)I suspected Crowely’s time was up but everyone else was a shock.
It’s hard to handle when all my favorites (save Sam and Dean, ofc, ) are dead now. It stings something awful. I gotta deal with that, though. The emotions are there and I guess I just gotta figure out what to do with them. It almost makes me want to step away from the bangs I signed up for and work on a much darker fic for a while. I’ll have to think about it. But thank you (and everyone else) for offering your support. It means the world to me.
Thank you, for the compliments about my writing, btw. It’s cliche to say it’s a labor of love but it’s true. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love the characters and I suppose even if they’re gone now I shouldn’t allow anyone to take that from me. Canon be damned.
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